My Christmas pussy is not amused...*blink blink*

Champagne Kisses - Lynda Aicher
THREE HEARTS--Ho, ho, ho hum.



This barely made it to three hearts for me. Barely. It's not kinky. It's vanilla with an extra shot of vanilla bean sprinkled with sweet Christmas jizz and champagne kisses. Nothing wrong with it but I thought I was getting something along the lines of D/s. Not regular slap and tickle. I actually fell asleep during the long sex scene. I'm yawning now just thinking about it.

Let me back up before I get to my gripes. Because technically, the story follows a recipe that is standard in romance. It's tried and true:

Person A and B don't like each other for whatever reason. But secretly (or not as secretly) they lust after one another. Person A is an alpha and is outwardly a jerk but the author gives reason(s) why the reader needs to like them, so Person B can accept Person A's penis inside without much fuss. And the reader can get on with their daily life because penis hugs are the stuff of magic.

Bingo, bango, bajango! You can flip it up or down, spice it, sweeten, whatever, the method has been tested and it sells.

This recipe aka Champagne Kisses is vanilla champagne Christmas spunk flavored.

Evan happens to be Person B in the scenario. He is a flamboyant openly homosexual man who is doing great things for himself with his event planning business. Except the Christmas Eve wedding he planned has gone off the rails, due to a mega cat fight between the grooms.

Duh-dun-dun!! Enter person A, one of the cat fighting groom's brother, Richard. Richard is a conservative businessman who doesn't do "femmes" or public displays. So the cat-fight meltdown is a scene from his personal hell. Richard wasn't much of a character to me. I guess if you're not looking for much depth, he's alright. I didn't see the appeal. Erm...he was nice to his mother and brother. His kisses take forever and he can fuck. *shrug* But remember...I was bored. I'd rate him a 2-2.5 out of 5. Nothing to write home about but Evan seemed into it.




And I'm not familiar with this author's style though it reads reminiscent of MF erotica I've read in the past. (In fact, I think I'd have like this better if it was hetero erotica more because maybe Richard wouldn't make those jerkwad comments to Evan.) But Richard...redeemed himself in the Jizzmas spirit, yadda, yadda, yadda sex in a mirror, he feels alpha protective for the smaller 'weaker' man.

Let's get the other third of the story shall we? Because the story basically covers just the night. The relationship building prior to the fateful night happens off page, the reader gets hints from Evan and Richard's account interspersed between the pretty words. The words were a degree or two below purple. So maybe violet or lilac? Sometimes it dragged the scene down for me, to be honest, and it wasn't like there was much there to start with.

But I thought based on the publisher that maybe the truck might be driven through Pound Town. At least the fuckhot part of town. *shakes head* Or maybe a little kink might be found, something hot? But it was tame for me. And I don't mind vanilla either but it didn't bring anything new, exciting or memorable to the table.

The pretty words came to ruin any semblance of erotic for me when "channel" came to play.

"Channel" to describe ass.

"Channel": still being used in 2015.




Unless we're talking television...why? A dreaded "c" word of mine. I have three of them that make me cringe when reading romance: channel, canal and chute.

I thought maybe it'd get better...but then another dreaded c made an appearance: canal.




In the year two thousand and fifteen...still!


I could hear the slow sinking of the Jizzmas ship once canal came to join channel in anal descriptors. I'm not going to discuss why channel and canal during sex isn't hot because unless it's some part of role play where maybe there's a pantless gondolier or boat driver involved...I just can't.


Maybe you can, but me?



No.



So it ends in a HEA and champagne kisses and a sweet epilogue. It wasn't bad. But it wasn't anything to put on my Jizzmas list. I thought there was going to be something worth a blip maybe during that extended sex scene when the champagne bottle came out in the bedroom but nope, just standard sexy times play.


I liked the epilogue? *tilts head* Yeah, great use of one. So, I bumped up my rating to a three.




 

Hey, despite being Santa jizz and not being really impressed with the relationship, the recipe worked.(Okay...I'm still leery of Richard. I don't think redeemed himself enough. But that's me.)

Might work best for fans of the recipe and vanilla with a side of vanilla bean Santa semen sugar.

Can my Christmas pussy frown turn upside down?


The hunt continues... (I'm not searching too hard)



A copy provided via Netgalley for an honest review.