Malting

Malting - Sean Michael Prior to reading: I have a feeling it is going to be sexy fluff but add a ginger to any book and I can be tempted. I'm so weak for red heads.

After reading: You'd think I'd know better by now? This is my tenth Sean Michael book and for some reason I can't quit him.

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He writes some smutty shit and sometimes it works. It's like I'm a smut detective searching for the right story. Sadly, this was not one of them. Or should I say it is sort of a gem because I laughed so hard, at all the wrong reasons.

I cried.

I laughed so hard I cried.

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Even driving today, thinking about this book I laughed and cried again because this story really should have been in the fantasy genre. Sadly it was contemporary but I swear the main characters were semen superheroes or penis sorcerers or erection wizards.

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A thirty something ginger virgin visits a gay bar every Thursday for three years (Hmm...the every Thursday part reminded me of the premise of [b:The 51st Thursday|10791554|The 51st Thursday|Mercy Celeste|https://d202m5krfqbpi5.cloudfront.net/books/1315021499s/10791554.jpg|15703861] - better book, IMO) and by 3% the owner of the bar is discussing plugging the virgin's ass with butt plugs and invites him to his apartment for coffee and to talk.

The ginger (Toby) can only string a few words together and can't seem to finish his sentences but is coerced into going upstairs with Damon (the bar owner)and proceeds to lose his virginity (with no issues BTW and receives a plugging of his life). No build up or anything. Toby appears to still be confused, in awe and in ecstasy? Toby doesn't really know what to feel. He questions how to feel, himself, his reactions...he puts the simple in simpleminded.

I don't know if he was supposed to be slow on purpose or the author was trying to play up Toby's naivete because dur virgins dur don't know nothing.

I have quotes for days on all the silly crap Toby said but I'm only giving a slice of Damon and Toby:

"Ready for the plug, baby? Ready to feel it spreading you open so wide?"

"Uh-huh. I think so? Yes?"


*rolls eyes*

"You make me crazy. I can't...I can't think."

"Thinking is overrated, baby."


Which brings me to one of the many questions I have: If Toby doesn't seem to be aware of half the shit he does, why have him be in a relationship with a Dom? Doesn't that question the validity of his consent? Why am I questioning it? *shakes head* This is a book from the Sean Michael warped zone.

And what happens in this zone? Reality is obviously suspended because Toby and Damon can come multiple times in short periods with no breaks. They just are there to pump out jizz, enough to probably flood a river in Sean Michael warped zone. Hence why they are erection wizards, ready to pump and thrust their way into their own hearts. The story is also insta-love. The time period: a week which is like decades in the warped zone.

And I still read on with a smidgeon of hope that the story might sort of touch the realm of reality as it progressed.

But reality was kicked the hell out of here.

After Toby quasi-consented (I question his ability at this point. He still couldn't form coherent sentences other than saying he "needs") to having a penis piercing...the NEXT FUCKING DAY he receives a hand job and cums oodles. He can stand to have a hand on his FUCKING JUST PIERCED DICK! And then the kicker is, he wouldn't get into a bubble bath afterwards because of his RECENT PIERCING.

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Well WTF am I reading for? What are words? *waves hands*

And then a supposed robbery is popped in to add DRAMA?

My brain has been snatched and I lost two IQ points reading this book.

Let me Toby-speak for you:

Rice snatch purple.

Scissor swift sleep.

Heavy yodel car.

Bleep blorp bloop.

weuk;fgwtpui4rtui;dfhiweruilweruo wer.

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2 STARS Why? I added the extra star for the laughs as unintentional they may have been.